sumthin'

there's something inside my head that has been going on for quite a while, which I can't seem to express fully. I'm in the middle of countless thoughts that continue to drown me every single night before I sleep, in the morning when I wake up, in the stillness of water as I take my shower or even when I plainly sit inside my classroom. A lot has been going on inside my head though my recent days in school were uneventful. I'm not sure if it's just the usual me being an over thinker or I'm going too fast that I'm now losing my track. I'm not sure if I'm still willing to do things or I'm ready to give up or is there any part in my past that needed closure or am I doing everything in a different way.... there are so many questions I tried escaping from, but they are so damn strong I'm now drowning in them. I thought I needed rest or any sort of breaks from this routine but I'm in that point of my life now that a single pause would ruin everything and I'm not willing to risk EVERYTHING just to figure things out. I'm not sure where I'm heading to or who I wanted to be with in this journey or what I really wanted to do now or when will I ever BREATHE some fresh air or .... I don't know now. I'm emotionally preoccupied by things that can give me temporary happiness or any of that sort and I'm not sure until when would this last. But now, I'm back to my usual mantra: 'To survive the day and sleep' That's all.

lessons from the past

They say "Experience is the best teacher", and true enough, I must say. Last year was one of the most challenging years I've survived, for it has given so many lessons that I'll forever remember. I've gotten to know myself a lot better and deeper, as well as discovered my limitations when it comes with how far I can go and how much I'm willing to give in certain relationships. And here, today, I've decided to post the top 6 lessons that 2015 has taught me.

let go

of the the negative vibes

of the toxic people

all the things that make you feel youre not good enough

of all your insecurities

those people who dont deserve to be in your life

open your circle

ive had my fair share of my first impressions and pre judgments on people which actually affect the way I treat them. This year, Im so glad to have gooten the chance to get to know them better and prove myself wrong about my thoughts on them. I was able to spend time with people whom i never thought would be so close to me and whom I could get along with pretty well. I guess first impressions that last don't apply to everyone

don't let others define you

...but you gotta listen to what they say. this one has been one of the lessons which I had to learn in the hard way. I've always been very open with my thoughts and views about certain things, especially with people who are close to me or those whom I'm comfortable with. And I also welcome criticisms about me especially when they come from important people. However, I am also easily affected and sensitive about some of them when all I hear or all that's been said about me are negative. This year was nice enough to teach me how to filter and select only those that I really need to actually help myself grow. Nasty things/comments could've been a lot easier to accept if the only goal is to help the other person grow and overcome her shortcomings. But, if those opinions were meant to hurt the person intentionally and make her feel bad of herself, then it will no longer help her, and it would hurt her instead. 

listen to what others have to say

that's what friends are for. they're there to help you grow by letting you know that some of your actions are offensive, or the things you say are a bit vague and prone to misinterpretations. It's not necessarily criticism all the time that you have to listen to, but also the commendations they say about you. Good feedbacks help you and motivate you even more to bring out the best and continue to be better version of yourself. 

silence is healthy

There are moments when you need not to react, or simply keep your thoughts to yourself. This happens especially if you know that what you're going to say might just be misinterpreted or be viewed at a different light. Also, when the 'thing' is actually petty and you just want to let it go instead of making it a big issue, staying silent is healthier. It actually prevents you from dealing with toxic people most of the time. 

be happy 

all the time. For as long as you don't have the intention to offend anyone, do your thing, excel on it and be happy. It's your life anyway. Please yourself, not them. 

So there! Have a blissful 2016 everyone! 

to my sister who began to drift away

first of all, I love you. What we're having right now is sort of an awkward situation, and it didn't just started because of our infamous 'closet wars' but a constellation of petty fights that rooted from our pride. Nobody wants to raise the white flag first because of our own reasons. As for me, I grew tired. Tired of understanding, of being patient, of being the one to approach first. I want you to know that I, also get tired physically, mentally and more so, emotionally. Despite that, I don't take that feeling to anyone, nor pick up on anybody. I don't drag people into trouble or get into fights when I'm tired. By the way, I'm not mad. I'm just tired, like you. And I ask for your understanding that this time, I am choosing to keep distance, or stay silent around you. We need time. Enough time for us to realize our mistakes and figure out how to become better...better for ourselves and for others. We need to nurture the good things left in us and eventually have the courage enough to talk to each other. This might have been our worst Christmas but nevertheless, I'm wishing you a merry one.

P.S.
I want you to know that this is hard for me, but I just keep on thinking this is what we need. 

23

And now my thoughts are clouded with 'What ifs' and 'What could have beens'. I can't help but ask myself countless times why I had to let you go or why I had to go away. We could've made it until today. But maybe there were several reasons...maybe  I was too young back then, or we were too young, or I got too scared that the overwhelming thrills you gave me would vanish into thin air without a warning, or maybe simply because my feelings were not strong enough to hold on. Another reason was probably because I realized it was too strong to the point that we crossed the line and made everything wrong. Maybe I was selfish and selfless at the same time. The reasons are endless yet I could not find which one exactly answer the question. But with all these reasons coming out my mind, I just can't fathom how exactly I feel right now. I'm left with questions that will never be answered and I have to content myself with that. 

As for now, I know you're truly happy with what's going on in your life, I'm happy for you too. I could have posted an old photo of us together, with a lengthy and mushy message but I don't have the right to. And with that, I only wish you a lifelong happiness with whatever comes your way. 

All the best!

-rhea

Sunday Currently Vol. VIII

Hi guys! Happy December! Christmas is just around the corner, can you already feel the vibe? Anyway, it's December's first Sunday and I'd like to share how my Sunday is so far to all of you.

So now, I'm 

Hi guysxz!

Currently....

Reading: Psych trans I just typed for Prelims week. It takes me several hours to finish typing transes because I surf the Internet every 10 slides hehe (talk about temptation)

Writing: Did I mention I'm not done with that Psych trans yet? hehe And I'm actually typing this post after the 30th slide of the lecture...and I got bored 

Listening: Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor and now Love Stood Still (been addicted to it for 3 months already! insane!)

Wearing: Loose white shirt and PJ's. Don't get me wrong, I just arrived few hours ago from the province, and I've already taken my bath. Just decided to be productive today (hopefully!)

Thinking: About how to manage my time today. I want to do a lot but I guess I don't have that much time. I'm thinking of shopping for new clothes and some groceries, cleaning my room and some other chores and study and sleep, of course. 

Wanting: Clothes and make-up and iPad case. 

Wishing: For longer nights, if possible. Is it just me or December nights seem so short? Kakapikit ko pa lang, umaga na agad agad! Bitin!

Praying: For last-minute twist and highlight of this year! It's been good so far, though. And I am eternally thankful. Hope you are, too.

Hoping: For great memories in the remaining weeks of 2015!

Loving: Our newly-renovated kitchen. hehe wala lang. Our house seems new and gives better vibe to everyone!

Feeling: Sleepy. srsly. why oh why.

Have a good Sunday people! 

goodbye november

thank you for being good and light. you always make it to one of my favorite months. see you again in twelve months. you were good to me, thanks again ❤️

battlefield

I'm in a middle of confusing thoughts. They're mostly about myself, of who am I really, what I really feel, what I really want to do. Every thing about me just seem so contradicting. Not sure if hormones have something to do with this, but one thing is for sure, and that is the certainty that I'm not happy. I feel so guarded, with the things I wanna say, with stuff I wanna do and all. And I can't just share this to my 'friends' because I feel kinda uncomfortable. I feel so different. It's like my efforts are worthless. I feel like I'm in a middle of battlefield where everyone is against me. How do I win this battle?