goodbye november

thank you for being good and light. you always make it to one of my favorite months. see you again in twelve months. you were good to me, thanks again ❤️

battlefield

I'm in a middle of confusing thoughts. They're mostly about myself, of who am I really, what I really feel, what I really want to do. Every thing about me just seem so contradicting. Not sure if hormones have something to do with this, but one thing is for sure, and that is the certainty that I'm not happy. I feel so guarded, with the things I wanna say, with stuff I wanna do and all. And I can't just share this to my 'friends' because I feel kinda uncomfortable. I feel so different. It's like my efforts are worthless. I feel like I'm in a middle of battlefield where everyone is against me. How do I win this battle?

Miss Congeniality

So Dreaming Of You is now playing on my Spotify playlist (by the way, Love Stood Still just ended) and I'm here, lying on my bed, trying to contemplate on everything that happened today...all the things I learned, the movies I watched and all other stuff. But what's really running inside my head is the line from the movie I just finished watching, Miss Congeniality starred by my favorite actress, Sandra Bullock, and she said, 'People care about people who care about themselves' And that left me thinking about it and now I guess I just have to agree. 

It's actually such a big thought (for me) and I couldn't find the right words to say. I'm kind of drowning in my thoughts about that single line and I don't know why. So....I'll leave it that way for now. 

ANXIETY ATTACK

So, past is past, yes. I can talk about it, yes. But that doesn't mean I'm super comfortable to talk about it anytime. It's just different when you know, you're not in your optimum status to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm so done with it. That's for sure, but wait...that doesn't mean it no longer affects me in any way. Of course, there will be something that would remind me of the emotions I felt during those times, but that doesn't mean I can feel them again. Wait. Ang hirap e. That feeling when you wanted to forget something about your past and all of a sudden you'd see someone who would remind you of that 'past' and you're now disgusted of yourself and starting to regret everything. HIRAAAAAP! Well, what can I say, it's so hard to live in such a small world. 

One Day, I Believe

Here I am, alone in my room

Thinking of what could have been

If I just stayed, and not came back

Where could I be now?

Could I be happier somewhere else

But my mind says it's wrong

My heart doesn't want them getting hurt

With all the selfishness I have in mind

This too shall pass, I said to myself

Everything will fall into place,

That's what I choose to believe

Only time can tell, and I'll be waiting

I won't stop waiting patiently

For that day to come

When we'll all be happy and well-rested

In this place where only hardwork is present

There might come a time

When peace and tranquility is suffice

For everyone to be happy

And grateful despite the adversity

Shameless

Dear Future Boyfriend,
Hi, I hope we're friends now, or at least I have met you. I would really want to get to know you and I promise to exert effort in doing so. I really pray that you would be my first official and legit boyfriend, and hopefully my last. As of now, in case you still don't know me, or at least still getting to know about me, let me help you. Here are some things you would and should know.

1. I don't usually have that pre/post menstrual syndrome, but I do have cravings once in a while.

Unlike most girls, I don't suffer from menstrual pains every month, so I won't ask you to go out and buy pain reliever for me, or provide hot/cold compress. I won't even bother to ask you to  go and buy my favorite food, because chances are, I'd be shy to do so. I'm used to it, so I've mastered the art of taking care of myself during my red days. *wink*  I do crave randomly for my favorite food like street food (isaw, kwek kwek, taho), sushi, pizza and steak, but I won't force you to eat with me. However, I expect you to at least come with me  during these times when I would pig out. About my mood? Well to be completely honest, I have no idea if I have mood swings during my period, but one thing I promise, I won't get mad or annoyed if there's nothing really to be annoyed about. 

2. I don't have a 1-tera memory in my head to memorize all the details about you.

I'd truly appreciate when you bring me to your family gatherings or high school reunion and introduce me to everyone in the hall, but please forgive me when I won't get to recall all their names, or if I would fail to greet them at the mall if I would run into them. Likewise, I would never expect you to do the same with my family (kasi kahit ako, di ko rin sila lahat kilala) But when it comes to you, I would definitely take time to absorb the little things and make sure to remember them most of the time. 

3. I am your girlfriend, not your little sister or daughter.

I don't expect you to bring me everything I need/want or to pay for my food at all times. We're partners, okay? There are times when I would pay for my own food, and you would pay for yours. This relationship has to be a give and take. I'd appreciate your concerns regarding my health or the way I dress or my actions, but you don't have to dictate me on what I should eat/wear/do. I'd love your concern, but not to the point of being over-protective. 

4. Small things over grand gestures.

What I appreciate the most are the small things you do to me like, good morning and good night greetings, sweet nothings, your acts of chivalry. I'd prefer them over expensive dinners or luxurious getaways. What I'm actually after is the consistency of your actions, nothing else. 

5. We don't always have to spend pennies to celebrate.

Whether it's a monthsary/anniversary or just a random day, I would prefer chilling while watching movies or having road trips with you. When it comes to gifts, I appreciate the thoughtful ones with personal touch than a luxurious product merely bought at the mall (or online) because honestly, I can save up to buy those for myself. 

6. I love surprises, but I hate them at the same time.

I don't understand myself either, but what I'm sure of is that, I hate being caught off-guard. For some  reasons, I always want to have myself prepared on what might happen in certain circumstances and prevent getting humiliated in front of others. When it comes to surprises, I always think I don't put up a good facial reaction on being surprised (I must have mastered the art of keeping calm and composed, too) and I might just disappoint you. And I would hate that. 

7. Distance, every once in a while is good 

Let's not forget that before we even knew each other, we're both busy and independent individuals who have our own worlds, own set of friends and own ways to live. I respect that, and I expect you to respect mine too. There are times when we don't have to see each other and rather spend time with other friends or families and have some good catch up session with them. Or spend time for ourselves- have some make overs, or shopping (which I prefer to do alone) or simply stay home. Growth doesn't necessarily mean grow together at all times. 

8. I value honesty more than anything else.

I believe that trust is the best foundation of all sorts of relationships. And since I have lots of trust issues, I presume that you know this even before we became together. I would appreciate it if you would tell me directly that you're not up for food/road trip or you're tired, or you forgot about my birthday or our anniv or you don't feel like going to our planned movie night or hang out with friends,  rather than make some alibi or cover up for lies. Or you can tell me straight that you're no longer happy or you don't love me anymore or you've fallen out of love already (ay grabe.) Just be honest. It might cause pain, but I'd rather suffer the pain of the truth than enjoy the pleasures of a lie.

9. Consistency comes after honesty.

If there's one thing I'm having a really hard time to accept, that would be change. I easily get used to people, or things or circumstances because it gives me a certain level of comfort. I don't really mean the exact things you do that you should be consistent about, but your values and principles in life which I have learned to accept and love about you even before we got together. 

10. It might not be obvious, but yes, I love you so much

One thing I fear about is letting my guard down, so please understand that even if we're together, I still find it hard to express my feelings freely, especially if we're with other people. I might not tell you I love you often, but I hope that you'd see it through my actions. It might be in a form of constant reminder to take care of yourself or in my effort to learn how to cook your favourite dish or make time for you even after long hours of duty in the hospital. You see, I'm never good at expressing myself, and in as much as I'd love to tell you how I feel, I'm scared that you would find me unusually cheesy or corny, and I would be shy after. In times when  I have problems or something bothering me, please try to understand that I don't feel comfortable of being the first one to talk about it because I wouldn't want to bother you. But I promise to answer you in all honesty once you ask me. I will always be sincere and faithful, promise. In all things I do, know that I love you. And yes, very much.

SUNDAY CURRENTLY Vol VII

Hi everyone! So, I've come to realize that writing my SC is my favorite topic for blogging since I'm on my 7th post today. hehe Well there's nothing different today, except that I'm on my 3rd day of detox (WOOHO! MADE IT!), and I feel a bit light-headed and I've got NOTHING to do, so I'm blogging a bit early than the usual. So shall we get started? KAY!

CURRENTLY

Reading: I've come across this article on Facebook that talks about the "10 Things Every Dormer Has Experienced." True enough. Very relatable. Especially the last point, which talks about learning how to be independent (from budgeting and time management). Yep! Welcome to adulthood, dorm babies! 

Writing: This latest SC post. I'm still thinking about transcribing our last Psych lecture, but alam nyo naman, I feel like doing nothing today. hehehe

Listening: "These Dreams" by MYMP. Juris' voice so relaxing I wanna cry. I could literally listen to her all day. 

Wearing: Sleepwear. As in my PJ's! Well, there's nothing new when I say, I'm still on my 'no make-up, no ligo, no plans of getting up' look. 

Thinking: More of, over-thinking about this coming week. I'm actually worried about spending it at home/family business coz I know I won't get to take some rest. huhuhu 

Praying: For the world. A lot has been happening lately, and the least everyone can do is to pray for one another, to restore humanity and have faith. It's during these times when we need to be concern with our fellow brothers and sisters across the world who are under lots of sufferings and hardships. Prayers would go a long way. 

Wanting: Nothing but FOOD. Anything with cheese, pizza, chocolates, potato chips and soft drinks. 

Hoping: For a happy week ahead!

Wishing: For a better world for everyone. 

Loving: Minty Berry flavour of my detox juice. Surprisingly, it tastes so good, I don't feel like detoxifying at all. 

Feeling: Light-headed. But this must be due to the detox program I'm currently in. 

God Bless Everyone! Happy Sunday!

THERE ARE DAYS

There are days....

when I'd rather eat junk food all day than a single real and full meal

when I'd rather clean my room than take a bath (yuck!)

when I'd rather go somewhere than go to school

when I'd rather stare blankly at the walls than study

when I'd rather read blogs and watch random videos than sleep early

when I'd rather sleep than go out on a Friday night

when I'd rather blog my feelings than talk to you

when I'd rather keep silent than explain myself

So now, I'd rather become a burrito and bury myself in the comfort of my blanket than be a part of the real world. Goodnight!

TS

I've been a fan of Taylor Swift songs since college. Maybe because everyone could relate at the lyrics of at least one song in her album/s. She just has the perfect words to express what she feels in which a lot of girls could relate to (just like me!) And so, I'd like to share my top 10 favorite songs of TS!

1. Back to December

                                                          "Maybe this is wishful thinking,
                                                             Probably mindless dreaming,                                 
                                                But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right."

2. Crazier

"I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings

But you came along and you changed everything"

"You showed me something that I couldn't see

You opened my eyes and you made me believe."

3. Fearless

                                           "Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
                                                 You take my hand and drag me head first
                                                                            Fearless"

4. Wildest Dreams

"Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams
Wildest dreams"

5. Mean

"You can take me down

With just one single blow

But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?"

6. Bad Blood

"Did you have to hit me, where I'm weak? Baby, I couldn't breathe
And rub it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me"

"Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times, you and I"

"Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife
So don't think it's in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last"

"Band-aids don't fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show
If you live like that, you live with ghosts"

7. Fifteen

"Well count to ten, take it in

This is life before you know who you're gonna be"

"When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now"

8. Sparks Fly

                                   "Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
                                                  'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile"

9. Begin Again

                                                 "I've been spending the last eight months
                                       Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
                                       But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again"

10. Everything Has Changed

'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello."
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed

Oh my TS heart just keeps beating wild whenever I play one of these songs!! How about you guys? What's your favourite TS song? 

Sunday Currently Vol. VI

Hi! Happy November every-Juan! So second semester has just started and fortunately it ain't toxic yet. I'm actually spending my weekends here at home, and honestly, the sembreak vibe is still present, and not going away anytime soon. This month has gotten to be my favourite month so far, because of the expected class suspensions--meaning more time to chill and YOLO. Anyway, I'm 

Currently...

Reading: Twitter and Facebook feeds. Oh, and some blogs and reviews about random stuff. 

Writing: This SC post and another post about a random topic.

Listening: Uhm, nothing? I mean no music at the moment, but I can hear my neighbours chatting outside. 

Wearing: Sleepwear! I'm at my usual no ligo, no make-up, no plans of getting up look. 

Thinking: A lot. Family matters, School stuff, future plans. I'm mentally preparing myself for my last Christmas break before internship, which (for sure) would be tiring for sure. 

Praying: To have more wisdom and courage to get my responsibilities done and to have proper discernment to make good decisions.

Wishing: For an additional day for the week. Is it only me, or there are really a lot of things to do that 7 days in a week is so insufficient? I really think an additional day between Saturday and Sunday sounds good!

Hoping: To get all my sh*t together. ASAP.

Wanting: Lots of sleep (yes, still not enough) and Food (preferably cheesy pizza and ice cream and pop corn) Am I just PMS-ing or what? yung totoo!!  

Loving: Aside from the 'Ber' months vibe and weather, wala na. So, at the moment, yung weather lang dito sa Batangas yung kinatutuwaan ko. 

Feeling: Wala. I mean, ok lang, yung tipong keri lang. Di super happy, di rin super sad, di rin super chill. I want so many things right now and since I can't do anything to have them anytime soon, I'm just sitting here waiting till something happens. 

Well I do hope you're all enjoying your Sunday! God Bless!

the in-between

The little girl speaks, her voice soft but whole and she longs to be heard. She's trapped for the longest time, from the harsh reality of life and covered with thick and tough shell. Though alone and sad, she's never hopeless. She has the undying faith and optimism on what lies ahead, on what's on the other end of that dark alley, on what's going to happen each day. She has this extreme zest for life and nothing could change that.

She believes in all good things, even in the most idealistic ones. She's hopeful. She never runs out of love for people, even to those who continuously hurt her and despise her. She forgives endlessly. She believes in second chances, endless second chances. She's never tired of trusting despite multiple heartbreaks and betrayals. She's kind. She has courage. She's not naive or innocent or martyr, but she always manages to see and seek for the good things on people, on things, on circumstances. She might see shortcomings and downsides of hills, but that doesn't stop her from admiring the whole beauty of what she sees or experience. 

Yes, she gets hurt and damaged with betrayals, heartbreaks, loss and failures. But alongside tears and pain, come lessons and wisdom she gains. And she's content with that. She's grateful for what comes her way and that's enough for her. She's happy to see people she loves happy, more than anything else. 

She's not afraid to get hurt, or to let go because she believes the need to grow. She's not afraid to get humiliated for as long as she's able to express her feelings. She's not afraid to lose because she thinks she has a lot to give. She's never afraid to be left out because she knows how to wait. She's not afraid of the rain because she trusts the rainbow to show up after. She's the playful kid who would cry a little when wounded, but would flash her biggest smile after getting hold of her cotton candy. She's that little girl who would rather dance and enjoy the rain rather than stay indoor and wait for it to stop. She's that girl who'll never get tired of collecting happy thoughts and creating happy memories. She's that girl, that 'little girl'

She might be vulnerable and fragile, but she's real. She might just be a small little girl, but she's fearless. And that's what sets her apart from that 'sheltered woman'. She's fearless, and that's more than enough. More than enough.  

ON BOTH ENDS

Why on both ends? Simply because, I consider myself to be that type of human who opt directness and transparency, who seek for bold and precise answers and appreciate sincerity the most. For me, it's just a yes or a no, black or white, no in betweens. Playing safe just no longer work for  me. Maybe partly because I don't want to waste my time and effort on things that would only be around temporarily. Maybe because I fear that I might invest too much of myself--time, effort, feelings on people who would only be around for quite some time. 

For the past years, I've learned that people come and go. And true enough, when the ones you love began to drift away, a part of you is lost, too. The time, efforts and feelings you've given and invested are never coming back, and you're only left with memories which will never be enough for compensation. You stay there, hanging, confused, broken, lost...You now question yourself on why's and how's it had to come that way. You begin to put the blame on yourself, on people on the situation and all that. And you go on a plateau, surviving each day with a routine for a long time...And how long would you need to recover and gain yourself back? No one knows, only you to decide. 

And so you learned, recovered and got back. Not the exact person you used to be, but a stronger and wiser woman. You became tougher and built a hard shell around you to prevent people from getting in and affect you. You shrug off those gestures that give you thrills. You avoid those thoughts that keep crossing your mind, coz you fear that they would mislead you. You keep your calm despite those overwhelming emotions that you long to feel deep inside. You learned to control your own feelings and think objectively before acting up. You're no longer afraid of the consequences because you're prepared for them, you anticipate them. 

That's what your life has become since you've had trust issues, since you've learned that people are gonna take everything away from you until there's none of you left. That's how you compensate. That's how you learned. You would either be indifferent, or care to a hundred percent. That's how you've completely forgotten how to take things slow and just go with the flow. 

They say your life is boring. But you could only care less. And you learned to care less of what they think of you. You believe you're happy in your own little universe that you made. You're content, living in your comfort zone. And you got no plans of getting out, just yet. Perhaps not anytime soon. 

**************

But that little girl inside you still hopes for the best and the realest of things.