ON BOTH ENDS

Why on both ends? Simply because, I consider myself to be that type of human who opt directness and transparency, who seek for bold and precise answers and appreciate sincerity the most. For me, it's just a yes or a no, black or white, no in betweens. Playing safe just no longer work for  me. Maybe partly because I don't want to waste my time and effort on things that would only be around temporarily. Maybe because I fear that I might invest too much of myself--time, effort, feelings on people who would only be around for quite some time. 

For the past years, I've learned that people come and go. And true enough, when the ones you love began to drift away, a part of you is lost, too. The time, efforts and feelings you've given and invested are never coming back, and you're only left with memories which will never be enough for compensation. You stay there, hanging, confused, broken, lost...You now question yourself on why's and how's it had to come that way. You begin to put the blame on yourself, on people on the situation and all that. And you go on a plateau, surviving each day with a routine for a long time...And how long would you need to recover and gain yourself back? No one knows, only you to decide. 

And so you learned, recovered and got back. Not the exact person you used to be, but a stronger and wiser woman. You became tougher and built a hard shell around you to prevent people from getting in and affect you. You shrug off those gestures that give you thrills. You avoid those thoughts that keep crossing your mind, coz you fear that they would mislead you. You keep your calm despite those overwhelming emotions that you long to feel deep inside. You learned to control your own feelings and think objectively before acting up. You're no longer afraid of the consequences because you're prepared for them, you anticipate them. 

That's what your life has become since you've had trust issues, since you've learned that people are gonna take everything away from you until there's none of you left. That's how you compensate. That's how you learned. You would either be indifferent, or care to a hundred percent. That's how you've completely forgotten how to take things slow and just go with the flow. 

They say your life is boring. But you could only care less. And you learned to care less of what they think of you. You believe you're happy in your own little universe that you made. You're content, living in your comfort zone. And you got no plans of getting out, just yet. Perhaps not anytime soon. 

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But that little girl inside you still hopes for the best and the realest of things.