to hell and beyond

here's a post to all those talkshits out there. to those who make promises and just break them. i hope karma strikes back at you before you know it. 😶😶😶

so much feels.

ctto. 

haw dare me

just when i thought nobody recognizes my worth..there was my mom who called me asking if everything's okay. and i just broke down and cry. oh life. how could you be this unpredictable. 

self pity 101

madrama to. mabigat. i am warning you. negative thoughts althroughout. bitterness, anger and self pity. you may not be able to tolerate. 

i just woke up. and i suddenly realized, for the past times, i've always been readily available for everybodywho needed me. kahit nga di nila ako kailangan, i've made them feel that i am just here, just a call or text away. i would want to believe that i had been a good daughter or a friend by being like that. i would also want to believe the idea that i was sensitive enough. kahit di nila sabihin, i know they needed some sort of help...kaya ayan na naman ako...karipas sa kanila.  then there are times when it was me who would need help, or a listener, or a companion. and i would get all sorts of a 'NO' whether in a apologetic manner or even a harsh way. silly me. what made me think may gagawa para sakin ng ginagawa ko sa iba? again, maybe i was never good enough of a person to begin with. ngayon ko lang narealize na ang unfair na pala e. na i could've been happier before kung yung inexert kong efforts para sa iba, sa sarili ko na lang nagawa. eto pala yung feeling kapag sarili ko na lang muna ang iniisip ko. ang saya pala. kahit ako lang yung nag iisip para sa ikabubuti ko, okay lang... well atleast better than no one. ngayon ko lang kasi nafeel na parang kapag may free time ako, instead na humingi ng oras sa ibang tao, sakin na lang. medyo nakakatrauma yung 'no' e. atleast i know i would never ket myself down. am being selfish now? ang lunglot naman kung ganon. ang sama ko naman agad. okay lang. ngayon pa ba ko magwoworry, kung kelan i feel like i nolonger care. kung kelan parang wala na nga akong nararamdaman.

pero may isang side sa utak ko na nagsasabi na, wag mag give up. na wag magbago. na wag lumayo. pero kapag inisip ko, marerealize ko lang din na kahit gusto ko pa din na walang magbago, ubos na yung energy ko e. parang shut na yung system ko. gets mo yun? parang nakakabaliw na masyado. ang tanga ko kasi e. dapat narealize ko earlier na nauubusan na pala ako agad para nagawan ko na ng paraan, hindi yung biglaan na lang nagising akong wala na...ayun system crash agad. nobody was prepared for it. kahit ako nagulat. kasi kung iisipin, wala namang major rejection akong natanggap para magreact ako this much e. parang walang nagtrigger.. kung meron man, minor lang. and that's when o realized, antagal na palang drained ng system ko, ngayon ko lang nakita kasi i wasn't functioning well anymore. and i am starting to hate myself. that's when my love has started to turn into hate. 

kaya nga ngayon, ako muna. kahit wala nang iba, ako na lang muna. kahit ako lang. ang OA ko no? okay lang. because people whi matter wouldn't mind and would just understand where i am coming from, or atleast try to understand.  pero ang hirap. for almost 2 days, di ko pa nareregain yung energy, yung drive at yung motivation ko. ganun ba kalala yung nawala sa kin? :( this is so not me... 

andaming tumatakbo sa utak ko. na kaya ko, kakayanin ko. lahat self empowerment. na i have to show myself na kaya kong ako lang. na if they don't want me araound, okay lang kakayanin ko sigurong ako na lang. maybe they would realize na kahit papano, there's a difference na may chuerry at wala. in the same way na marerealize ko kung ano yung mga bagay na kaya ko pang magawa na ako lang. okay din siguro to. 

grabe ang gulo. this is too much self pity. too much heartache. ang sakit. sng lungkot lungkot gumising. san ba kasi ako nagkulang? bakit walang gumagawa sakin ng ginagawa ko sa iba? am i being impatient? masyado ba kong nag expect? masama ba yon? silly me. of course...

parang dalawang forces ang nagtatalo sa utak ko. nakakabaliw naman to. kainis. sana pwedeng bumalik na lang sa dati tapos walang nagbago. para di pako pagod. tapos okay na lahat. but reality is, nothing permanent. somewhere along the road, we changed. and nobody was aware until i just realized, i can't keep up anymore. matagal na nga yata siguro to e. things just turned out to be strange. i tried to keep up, tried some of their new interests, but i just can't. di ako consistent. maybe ako nga yung mali because i gave up trying to like what they like. to be like them. then just one day, there's just no more common among our interests. wala na mapag usapan. kanya kanya na lang. then irealized, ako na lang yung naiwan sa dati. lahat nagbago na. 

funny. everytime i'll try to look back, lakas makagago. siguro a part of me was asking for some people to run after me pero how silly could that idea be? yung ako nga ang hihingi ng oras, wala na e. what made me think na mauuna silang mamotivate to come to me. did i just completely lost my trust on people? wag naman sana. confusing lang how things worked on certain relationships before. and this is the price i have to pay now. funny how i just felt numb sa lahat ng rejections and hearbreaks brought by the people i grew to love most. and funnier that no matter how broken i am, i still continue to love everyone even with the broken pieces. grabe. who would have thought ganito na kalala at kalalim yung pag iisip ko. i don't even know na this is how cluttered my thoughts are. na how negative my thoughts about myself are. puro positive lang kasi yung nalalabas ko on people. so negative na yung natira sakin. 

ang duwag ko kasi e. ayokong harapin ang problema ko. ayokong makipag usap. parang wala nga yata akong hiningan ng major tulong e. natatakot kasi ako. baka wala naman tumulong sakin. kung gano ako kaready tumulong sa problema ng iba, sarili kong problema di ko magawan ng paraan. kainis. akala ko kasi kaya ko pa e. totoo palang nakakapagod. maybe i am the type of person na nakakapagod na din kasama. kaya siguro inunahan ko na ang lahat. i shut people out before they do it to me. nega ko. grabe. grabe din. before, i wouldn't let anyone know my problems kasi ayokong makaabala. ayokong makacause ng hassle. labo. tapos ngayon ako lumayo. tanga nga e no? hayaan na nga. labo. ang gaga ko. lakas mkapucha. 

bigat no?if you reached this point and if you feel down or mad at someone now, you have been warned.  

day 1- hang over.

realizations. they're all coming. ano bang nangyari talaga. i grew tired. from what? from fitting in. from keeping up. from expecting a lot. maybe i wansn't aware of the changes that happened. maybe i thought everything would be fine. surely they would be, but that doesn't mean everything will stay the same. 

today i woke up with a heavy heart. i thought sleep can take the pain away, but it didn't even last for 5 hours. i tried to think of my decision, to decipher things out, to draw out better conclusions or more rational reasons, but it just lead me to more negative ones. those i never thought were real, actually are. and it just caused me to feel worse. i can't think of anything. i can't set my mood. i feel nothing. i am totally lost. 

is this because of some hormonal stimulation? no, definitely. is it because i was over analyzing things? yes.probably. am i sticking to my decision? i don't know. because i don't even know where

and how to start. all i know is i have to do this or else i won't grow. i want to become better. i want to know my worth. i need to know what i deserve. because i can no longer bear the pain of rejection from people. i need to learn how to say no. i need to learn how to control my emotions. i need to learn how to be strong for myself and not for everyone else. because at the end of each day, i am alone in my journey, all i have is myself. i need to do things for myself. i need to make myself happy...because if i'll wait for people to do it for me, i'm afraid i'll never stop waiting, i'm afraid i would die waiting. and i can't bear to think the idea of how bad it would feel.  

maybe that is why i am starting to trust no one. to hold onto no one's promises or to believe on people. maybe i just grew tired of being the vulnerable one. and that was the problem all along. i was the one who got easily attached. i trusted people so easy that they won't leave me. but i guess just like in any other tales, people come and go. this time it was me who decided to go. 

was i selfish? go. you judge. do i have reasons? of course. are these reasons acceptable? well, when a person gets tired of just everything, i mean, when everything is just so routinary and no one else take responsibility to make a difference, yes it is tiring. and when a person is tired, yes it is acceptable to take a rest. will it take long? no one can say. am i closing doors? no definitely. am i leaving the past behind? no because good memories are just what's left of me now. am i mad at certain people? no one but myself. will i come back? yes. when? when i learn how to love myself the way i loved everyone else. 

last

best feeling ever! not. sarcasm it is. before anything else, let me remind you, this is my blog, my diary, my words and my thoughts. i did not ask you to read, so anything posted here are based on my opinions and experiences. kay? clear? 

i decided to post here because, first of all, i am never good at confrontations, secondly, i don't think people would understand whatever it is that I have to say, and finally, no one is available to listen (as usual) and i feel like i have to let this out. there. 

in every relationship, intimate or friendship, it is normal that you have expectations. problem is sometimes, those expectations are not met. why? are they too high? or simply because nobody exerts effort to make it better. i think it's normal. you give your part, and so you expect something in return. it's a relationship anyway, a two-way thing. 

this. it happened many times. we plan, i wait, i followed up, you're busy, you cancelled, you apologized, i accepted, we rescheduled, i'm busy, i made time, we met. see the difference? 

living alone is hard. being separated from you is hard. growing alone is hard. but i am not blaming anyone. i am not blaming anyone for being honest neither am i blaming anyone for hurting me unintentionally. in the same way that no one can blame me if i am hurt this much, or if i am over reacting this time. 

being alone in a strange city is hard, knowing that the people you left behind are gonna pursue their own journeys together. that's why i keep coming back. because i was expecting for warm welcomes, but whenever I try to push my luck, it was always the wrong timing. i was never part of the priority. well at least that's how I felt. that is the problem with distance. it's either the people you left would miss you, or forget you. sad part is, most of them do the latter. 

i totally understand the need to prioritize things, hello, i am well aware of that. i am a student who prioritize also.  i tried to understand, and i am still trying.but understanding does not mean sparing my feelings from getting hurt.  kaya nga siguro ako nasasaktan na eh, because even if di ko na maintindihan, i still try to understand. but it is tiring, honestly. being that one person who is always the first to reach out the is tiring. being that one person who always initiates to make time is tiring. and in just any other relationships, when one party is tired,  the relationship just have to give it a rest. 

baka kailangan ko din magbawas ng priorities? ganun ba? maybe i better be alone and totally be independent of anyone else? and just wait for that time when people would miss me that much that they would finally exert effort to reach out? para maiba naman? kasi parang it is so easy for people to take me for granted or to find a replacement for me. maybe it's about time to put myself on my priorities also. 

time. they say it's the most precious gift one can give and receive. kaya nga i feel so glad and proud every time i am able to spend time with people whom i don't get to see often.  kasi kahit madaming ginagawa or inaaral, i make time for them. kahit wala na, i still make time. kaya nga i don't understand people when they say they miss you and want to see you when thay can't even make time for you. bakit? ako din naman 24 hours lang ang meron sa isang araw, may mga overtime pa, may mga extra loads of tasks din, but i did not reject anyone. sa dami din ng ginagawa ko, kahit alam kong wala nang extra time for leisure, i make time for people i love, even if it means a lesser time for myself, for sleep or kahit anong para sa sarili ko, okay lang. they matter eh. kahit sobrang arte ko sa madaming bagay, i didn't mind waking up early to get my things done so i could see them in the afternoon and spend few hours with them until night time , not minding the risk of taking the cab alone when i go home. because i was the one who asked for it. i was the one who demanded for it. because i can't squeeze into their busy schedules. all i wanted was to catch up and update, but it seemed like utang na loob ko pa everytime they'll say yes and allow me to visit them. this is not me taking them against anyone, but i am just evaluating how much i did and how far i've gone to keep up with them. wala naman masama doon diba?  

issues are, palagi na lang ba kong mauuna? nakakapagod e. ganun ba kadali ako itake forgranted because they know that i would understand? ganun bako kadali isacrifice? well yes? maybe i was never good enough of a person to begin with. and this post opened door for self pity. 

what went wrong? 

am i too clingy? then i'll loosen up. 

am i too demanding? then sorry, from now on, i won't ask for anything. 

nakakasakal na ba? then sorry, i would take a step back. 

maybe this is also what i need. a slap in the face saying, "hey, you got a life too! ikaw naman" maybe i was so busy taking care of people who were also busy taking care of themselves. siguro naman hindi masama mapagod, or maglabas ng sama ng loob or masaktan? i think i do not owe anyone an apology for being honest with my feelings. 

i never thought i would come up with this kind of post. again, this is because i am never good at confrontations, i don't expect people to understand how i feel at the moment and nobody is here to listen to me. let me clarify things. i am not mad at anyone, just disappointed at how things had turned out. i am not blaming anyone but myself, because it was me who expected, and yes expectations hurt. i am just hurt. and i put no one responsible to it because no one was aware. because it was I who loved and cared so much and allowed people to hurt me as much. 

don't get me wrong, this is not me making parinig or what. or me being defensive now. this is simply me pouring my heart out because even if i am given the chance to tell this to anyone concerned, i would only cry and not be able tell the truth. bacause in return, i can't bear to see them affected of what i feel towards them. 

that's it. i think this has just gone to be a lesson for me. still a blessing at one point. 

most influential people of my 2013

it's 2014 in less than 24 hours, so let share with you guys the top10 most influential people of my 2013. it is not my first time to make this kind of blogpost, but this year's top10 are somehow extra special because they had a great impact on me. At this early, allow me to thank you guys bigtime simply for existing and staying in my world. :)

2013 had been 'bipolar' to me. i mean, VERY BIPOLAR. first half of it was great and amazing in so many ways; then tables had turned during the second half. everything happened very very fast and i was left saying, "Ha? pano nangyari yun?" oh well, looking back at those memories makes me feel somehow thankful in a way because I won't be this tough and positive if not for those trials. and from being confused, I have gone to realize that things really do happen for a reason. yes, it may sound cliche but it's true. really.

To these amazing people, thank you for every simple thing you gave me, may it be a simple greeting or heart warming message. I treasure everything that comes from you guys, and I hope that this simple blog post serves as my token of appreciation for your wonderful share in my whole 2013.

1.     ate rose

 She’s on the top of the list simply because she was never gone and never late in all the happenings in my life. Ironically, she’s the last person i have met among my top10, because she lives in Singapore and just came to celebrate the holidays here. By the way, I have known her since 2011, I think, through twitter because we share the same interest in fangirling. Haha #alamnyonayan She’s been very kind and sincere and generous not only to me, but to all. Our friendship has gone beyond the fandom where we both belong and that makes me really feel blessed for finding a genuine friend and sister in her. There are times when we are both busy with other personal issues, but she never failed to reply and update me every once in a while. Truthfully, in my opinion, you don’t just trust the people you have not met even once, but she’s definitely different because she trusts me with her thoughts and is not hesitant to share what she’s going through. I am beyond grateful for the trust she has in me. This woman is indeed amazing in so many ways that I only have good words to describe her. I wish her all great things this 2014, and may all her wishes come true!

2.     katnabs

I must say, this girl is one of the most adorable girl friends I have. I've met her two years ago when we become classmates in some of our subjects.It must really be on purpose because she became my closest girlfriend during my internship at NCH. We've made lots of great memories—from night outs to sleepovers and random GH escapades, and I can even remember how we celebrated our Valentine’s day together at Greenhills. It was random and fun-filled.  She is simply a woman of surprises and spontaneity. I actually have a lot of reasons to be thankful to her—for being a supportive friend in my fangirling, helping me satisfy my cravings, always making time to accompany anywhere on Earth (chos!), for always having her condo and even her real home open for me and for simply being there during my craziest moment.  Despite the fact that we’re both busy now with our own responsibilities, we make sure to keep in touch and update each other every once in a while. I would really want to claim that what we have is a friendship made in heaven. To my St. Jude and online shopping buddy, I miss you bigtime!

3.     JVR

This must be the bravest post I have made about him. From being ‘Himmy,’ I am now giving his initials. Yes. There’s no point actually in giving his full name simply because most of my friends know who he is. Once and for all, I am now posting this because it’s safe to say that what we had is finally over and done, and our last serious talk must have been one of the highlights of my year. Don’t get me wrong, we cleared things up and decided to just go on our personal business separately; in which I meant to have our communication completely stopped at all means. I’m glad that he agreed on that and was gentleman enough to respect my decision. I have to admit that I have learned a lot from the friendship that we shared and, what we went through made me realize lots of things when it comes to faithfulness and maturity in handling relationship. It’s kinda complicated to give my message to him because I don’t actually have anything to say but, thank you and Goodluck.

4.     sarah, djanix and queennie

These GIRLS (for you djanix) are also my internship buddies. Talk about random hangouts, foodtrip and crazy bonding—they’re just never out. I always look forward to have my duty spent with them on benign days to have more chikahan moments (which rarely happened). This circle is actually a mix of different personalities—queennie is the good girl supportive type, sarah would be the ‘always on-the-go’ carefree type and my baby djanix is always the chill one and ‘whatever happens, I’m good’ haha. Ypu see, being with them balances my personality and always keeps me constantly going in my routine. One common thing that they always do which I love the most is that they always brighten up my day in different ways. A normal and dull duty day would turn out to be a day of fun and laugh with them. Hi girls! Bonding soon? ;)  

5.     maam fely and maam jess

They are my favorite staffs at NCH lab simply because they are very considerate and loving to their interns. I consider Maam Fely as a second mother and Maam Jess as a sister and a friend. They are both humble and sincere. I have made lots of great memories with them, and they know it. J I don’t regret sharing embarassing experiences with them because I know that they are worthy of my trust, in the same way that I am claiming to be worthy of their trust as well #alamnyoyan To these two great women, thank you and I wish you both a prosperous 2014!

6.     janelle and jandrei

I have always been a ‘fan’ of their romance. The kilig that they gave me this year was hardcore, I must say. hihi I was there during the start of it all and I have witnessed almost everything they have gone through before  openly admitting their relationship. A lot had been said about them but thank heavens, they were not affected and became even stronger and braver to face every challenge together. As normal couple, they have their own bad times, which honestly affect me so much (downsides of being a fan lol) but thank heavens again, at least one of them would stand and be mature enough to initiate making up, not out. Hihi joke :p I can see how mature they have become and how they complement each other in so many ways. I also learned a lot from them, and I am so proud of what they have become now because of each other. I can safely say that they  influence each other in positive ways and I am just a happy fangirl here. J To both of you, I’m looking forward to more kilig stories and may you have sweeter 2014!

7.     jessa

I’ve known this lady for almost a decade now and I am beyond grateful for having her stayed with me through out everything. She’s my favorite listener when it comes to fangirling issues, simply because she can relate J she’s never tired when it comes to being there for me, no matter what time of the dayor whatever mood she’s into. I am beyond lucky to have her. One of my most treasured moments with her this year would have to be our hardcore fangirling moment at a concert last May. She came over all the way from Batangas to watch the concert with meJ cute namin no? Hihi clingy forever. Aside from fangirling, of course we are also sharing the same up and down moments in our course. Despite the hardships that were thrown at us during this year, we never gave up and just kept on supporting each other in best way we can. I know that it has been a wonderful year full of lessons learned and awesome experiences for her and I am sincerely happy for all the blessings she has received. It was a great year for our friendship and I am excited to see her in a couple of days to have some catching up. To you my forever babygirl, i love you to the moon and back, I swear to all Gods of Hindus <3

8.     meng and mich

I have met these two a couple of weeks ago, during Mich’s 18th birthday where in I was part of her 18 candles. They are both nice and jolly. They can turn a serious talk into a funny one with their wit and random arguments. By the way, they are my co-faneys too. What I love about them is that no matter how hopeless the case had seemed to all of us, they never gave up and stayed solid, which really uplifts some faneys like me. They are positive in what the future holds and are not easily turned down. Another thing I love about them is that, they are genuine and not two-faced. You can see them as outspoken and loud (in positive ways, most of the time) in twitter, in the same way that they are in person. I am grateful to have met them and spent bonding moments with them.  I have not spent  lots of time with them yet, but I am looking forward to that. To both of you, I’m wishing you a prospeerous 2014, and more bonding moments! Isaw soon? J

9.     arrah, kaze and kath

My medlife would have been boring if not for these girls. I owe them a lot! They know how hard it is for me adjust, but they made everything a lot easier and fun. For the past 7 months, my medlife was a combination of random and crazy moments, almost all of which are attributed to them. Haha In times of toxic schedule and exam-filled week, we make sure to unwind and relax, one thing that I enjoy a lot. Just like a typical barkada, we’re also a  mix of different personalities which happen to jive and complement one another. Kath was my first ever friend among the three. She is shy at first, but once you get to know her, she’s fun  and easy to get along with. One thing I like about her is that she’s a good listener J Kaze, on the other hand is the good girl/prim and proper/ dalagang Pilipina type. She sings so well and is pretty too. She is also shy and quiet at first but as time passes, you’ll notice how crazy and weird sha can be. Arrah, my favorite bully-buddy is the craziest and funniest among us. I love talking to her because she knows exactly what to say and when to say things. I’ve always believed that we have the same wavelength and mindset most of the time and that bonds us a lot. She seemed to be suplada at first but when you get to be close to her, you’ll never spend a dull and boring day with her jokes and sarcasm. To the three of you, I miss you girls! See you all very soon!

10. my cousin slash sister tupay :)

This year have been great for her. She graduated from her course and passed the Nursing Board Exam. She’s one hell of an achiever. Aside from being a great daughter (at times, lol), she never failed to be a amazing cousin to me and my sister. We have made lots of memories and shared lots of secrets this year, and I know, there’s more to come. Hahaha Seriously speaking, she is so far my favorite cousin because she has always been sincere with thoughts and was always very considerate to others (to the point that it’s no longer fair on her part). I would always love to look back at our random sleepovers, crying moments and inside jokes that only few understand. Well aside from those crazy moments, this year also gave her a lot of new experiences, one of which is having a boyfriend. She knows how much I appreciate her concern for us that’s why I am so happy that she has finally found someone who would show her the the special kind of concern and love she deserves, and would bring out the best in her. To you my dear, I’ll see you tonight! Love you forevs!

I must have done something good in my life to have met these amazing amazing persons. I will always be grateful to all of you and I wish you all a happy and prosperous 2014. God Bless you all! <3

--chuerry, 2013

A/N:  full names are intentionally not indicated for privacy purposes :)