day 1- hang over.

realizations. they're all coming. ano bang nangyari talaga. i grew tired. from what? from fitting in. from keeping up. from expecting a lot. maybe i wansn't aware of the changes that happened. maybe i thought everything would be fine. surely they would be, but that doesn't mean everything will stay the same. 

today i woke up with a heavy heart. i thought sleep can take the pain away, but it didn't even last for 5 hours. i tried to think of my decision, to decipher things out, to draw out better conclusions or more rational reasons, but it just lead me to more negative ones. those i never thought were real, actually are. and it just caused me to feel worse. i can't think of anything. i can't set my mood. i feel nothing. i am totally lost. 

is this because of some hormonal stimulation? no, definitely. is it because i was over analyzing things? yes.probably. am i sticking to my decision? i don't know. because i don't even know where

and how to start. all i know is i have to do this or else i won't grow. i want to become better. i want to know my worth. i need to know what i deserve. because i can no longer bear the pain of rejection from people. i need to learn how to say no. i need to learn how to control my emotions. i need to learn how to be strong for myself and not for everyone else. because at the end of each day, i am alone in my journey, all i have is myself. i need to do things for myself. i need to make myself happy...because if i'll wait for people to do it for me, i'm afraid i'll never stop waiting, i'm afraid i would die waiting. and i can't bear to think the idea of how bad it would feel.  

maybe that is why i am starting to trust no one. to hold onto no one's promises or to believe on people. maybe i just grew tired of being the vulnerable one. and that was the problem all along. i was the one who got easily attached. i trusted people so easy that they won't leave me. but i guess just like in any other tales, people come and go. this time it was me who decided to go. 

was i selfish? go. you judge. do i have reasons? of course. are these reasons acceptable? well, when a person gets tired of just everything, i mean, when everything is just so routinary and no one else take responsibility to make a difference, yes it is tiring. and when a person is tired, yes it is acceptable to take a rest. will it take long? no one can say. am i closing doors? no definitely. am i leaving the past behind? no because good memories are just what's left of me now. am i mad at certain people? no one but myself. will i come back? yes. when? when i learn how to love myself the way i loved everyone else.