madrama to. mabigat. i am warning you. negative thoughts althroughout. bitterness, anger and self pity. you may not be able to tolerate.
i just woke up. and i suddenly realized, for the past times, i've always been readily available for everybodywho needed me. kahit nga di nila ako kailangan, i've made them feel that i am just here, just a call or text away. i would want to believe that i had been a good daughter or a friend by being like that. i would also want to believe the idea that i was sensitive enough. kahit di nila sabihin, i know they needed some sort of help...kaya ayan na naman ako...karipas sa kanila. then there are times when it was me who would need help, or a listener, or a companion. and i would get all sorts of a 'NO' whether in a apologetic manner or even a harsh way. silly me. what made me think may gagawa para sakin ng ginagawa ko sa iba? again, maybe i was never good enough of a person to begin with. ngayon ko lang narealize na ang unfair na pala e. na i could've been happier before kung yung inexert kong efforts para sa iba, sa sarili ko na lang nagawa. eto pala yung feeling kapag sarili ko na lang muna ang iniisip ko. ang saya pala. kahit ako lang yung nag iisip para sa ikabubuti ko, okay lang... well atleast better than no one. ngayon ko lang kasi nafeel na parang kapag may free time ako, instead na humingi ng oras sa ibang tao, sakin na lang. medyo nakakatrauma yung 'no' e. atleast i know i would never ket myself down. am being selfish now? ang lunglot naman kung ganon. ang sama ko naman agad. okay lang. ngayon pa ba ko magwoworry, kung kelan i feel like i nolonger care. kung kelan parang wala na nga akong nararamdaman.
pero may isang side sa utak ko na nagsasabi na, wag mag give up. na wag magbago. na wag lumayo. pero kapag inisip ko, marerealize ko lang din na kahit gusto ko pa din na walang magbago, ubos na yung energy ko e. parang shut na yung system ko. gets mo yun? parang nakakabaliw na masyado. ang tanga ko kasi e. dapat narealize ko earlier na nauubusan na pala ako agad para nagawan ko na ng paraan, hindi yung biglaan na lang nagising akong wala na...ayun system crash agad. nobody was prepared for it. kahit ako nagulat. kasi kung iisipin, wala namang major rejection akong natanggap para magreact ako this much e. parang walang nagtrigger.. kung meron man, minor lang. and that's when o realized, antagal na palang drained ng system ko, ngayon ko lang nakita kasi i wasn't functioning well anymore. and i am starting to hate myself. that's when my love has started to turn into hate.
kaya nga ngayon, ako muna. kahit wala nang iba, ako na lang muna. kahit ako lang. ang OA ko no? okay lang. because people whi matter wouldn't mind and would just understand where i am coming from, or atleast try to understand. pero ang hirap. for almost 2 days, di ko pa nareregain yung energy, yung drive at yung motivation ko. ganun ba kalala yung nawala sa kin? :( this is so not me...
andaming tumatakbo sa utak ko. na kaya ko, kakayanin ko. lahat self empowerment. na i have to show myself na kaya kong ako lang. na if they don't want me araound, okay lang kakayanin ko sigurong ako na lang. maybe they would realize na kahit papano, there's a difference na may chuerry at wala. in the same way na marerealize ko kung ano yung mga bagay na kaya ko pang magawa na ako lang. okay din siguro to.
grabe ang gulo. this is too much self pity. too much heartache. ang sakit. sng lungkot lungkot gumising. san ba kasi ako nagkulang? bakit walang gumagawa sakin ng ginagawa ko sa iba? am i being impatient? masyado ba kong nag expect? masama ba yon? silly me. of course...
parang dalawang forces ang nagtatalo sa utak ko. nakakabaliw naman to. kainis. sana pwedeng bumalik na lang sa dati tapos walang nagbago. para di pako pagod. tapos okay na lahat. but reality is, nothing permanent. somewhere along the road, we changed. and nobody was aware until i just realized, i can't keep up anymore. matagal na nga yata siguro to e. things just turned out to be strange. i tried to keep up, tried some of their new interests, but i just can't. di ako consistent. maybe ako nga yung mali because i gave up trying to like what they like. to be like them. then just one day, there's just no more common among our interests. wala na mapag usapan. kanya kanya na lang. then irealized, ako na lang yung naiwan sa dati. lahat nagbago na.
funny. everytime i'll try to look back, lakas makagago. siguro a part of me was asking for some people to run after me pero how silly could that idea be? yung ako nga ang hihingi ng oras, wala na e. what made me think na mauuna silang mamotivate to come to me. did i just completely lost my trust on people? wag naman sana. confusing lang how things worked on certain relationships before. and this is the price i have to pay now. funny how i just felt numb sa lahat ng rejections and hearbreaks brought by the people i grew to love most. and funnier that no matter how broken i am, i still continue to love everyone even with the broken pieces. grabe. who would have thought ganito na kalala at kalalim yung pag iisip ko. i don't even know na this is how cluttered my thoughts are. na how negative my thoughts about myself are. puro positive lang kasi yung nalalabas ko on people. so negative na yung natira sakin.
ang duwag ko kasi e. ayokong harapin ang problema ko. ayokong makipag usap. parang wala nga yata akong hiningan ng major tulong e. natatakot kasi ako. baka wala naman tumulong sakin. kung gano ako kaready tumulong sa problema ng iba, sarili kong problema di ko magawan ng paraan. kainis. akala ko kasi kaya ko pa e. totoo palang nakakapagod. maybe i am the type of person na nakakapagod na din kasama. kaya siguro inunahan ko na ang lahat. i shut people out before they do it to me. nega ko. grabe. grabe din. before, i wouldn't let anyone know my problems kasi ayokong makaabala. ayokong makacause ng hassle. labo. tapos ngayon ako lumayo. tanga nga e no? hayaan na nga. labo. ang gaga ko. lakas mkapucha.
bigat no?if you reached this point and if you feel down or mad at someone now, you have been warned.
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