last

best feeling ever! not. sarcasm it is. before anything else, let me remind you, this is my blog, my diary, my words and my thoughts. i did not ask you to read, so anything posted here are based on my opinions and experiences. kay? clear? 

i decided to post here because, first of all, i am never good at confrontations, secondly, i don't think people would understand whatever it is that I have to say, and finally, no one is available to listen (as usual) and i feel like i have to let this out. there. 

in every relationship, intimate or friendship, it is normal that you have expectations. problem is sometimes, those expectations are not met. why? are they too high? or simply because nobody exerts effort to make it better. i think it's normal. you give your part, and so you expect something in return. it's a relationship anyway, a two-way thing. 

this. it happened many times. we plan, i wait, i followed up, you're busy, you cancelled, you apologized, i accepted, we rescheduled, i'm busy, i made time, we met. see the difference? 

living alone is hard. being separated from you is hard. growing alone is hard. but i am not blaming anyone. i am not blaming anyone for being honest neither am i blaming anyone for hurting me unintentionally. in the same way that no one can blame me if i am hurt this much, or if i am over reacting this time. 

being alone in a strange city is hard, knowing that the people you left behind are gonna pursue their own journeys together. that's why i keep coming back. because i was expecting for warm welcomes, but whenever I try to push my luck, it was always the wrong timing. i was never part of the priority. well at least that's how I felt. that is the problem with distance. it's either the people you left would miss you, or forget you. sad part is, most of them do the latter. 

i totally understand the need to prioritize things, hello, i am well aware of that. i am a student who prioritize also.  i tried to understand, and i am still trying.but understanding does not mean sparing my feelings from getting hurt.  kaya nga siguro ako nasasaktan na eh, because even if di ko na maintindihan, i still try to understand. but it is tiring, honestly. being that one person who is always the first to reach out the is tiring. being that one person who always initiates to make time is tiring. and in just any other relationships, when one party is tired,  the relationship just have to give it a rest. 

baka kailangan ko din magbawas ng priorities? ganun ba? maybe i better be alone and totally be independent of anyone else? and just wait for that time when people would miss me that much that they would finally exert effort to reach out? para maiba naman? kasi parang it is so easy for people to take me for granted or to find a replacement for me. maybe it's about time to put myself on my priorities also. 

time. they say it's the most precious gift one can give and receive. kaya nga i feel so glad and proud every time i am able to spend time with people whom i don't get to see often.  kasi kahit madaming ginagawa or inaaral, i make time for them. kahit wala na, i still make time. kaya nga i don't understand people when they say they miss you and want to see you when thay can't even make time for you. bakit? ako din naman 24 hours lang ang meron sa isang araw, may mga overtime pa, may mga extra loads of tasks din, but i did not reject anyone. sa dami din ng ginagawa ko, kahit alam kong wala nang extra time for leisure, i make time for people i love, even if it means a lesser time for myself, for sleep or kahit anong para sa sarili ko, okay lang. they matter eh. kahit sobrang arte ko sa madaming bagay, i didn't mind waking up early to get my things done so i could see them in the afternoon and spend few hours with them until night time , not minding the risk of taking the cab alone when i go home. because i was the one who asked for it. i was the one who demanded for it. because i can't squeeze into their busy schedules. all i wanted was to catch up and update, but it seemed like utang na loob ko pa everytime they'll say yes and allow me to visit them. this is not me taking them against anyone, but i am just evaluating how much i did and how far i've gone to keep up with them. wala naman masama doon diba?  

issues are, palagi na lang ba kong mauuna? nakakapagod e. ganun ba kadali ako itake forgranted because they know that i would understand? ganun bako kadali isacrifice? well yes? maybe i was never good enough of a person to begin with. and this post opened door for self pity. 

what went wrong? 

am i too clingy? then i'll loosen up. 

am i too demanding? then sorry, from now on, i won't ask for anything. 

nakakasakal na ba? then sorry, i would take a step back. 

maybe this is also what i need. a slap in the face saying, "hey, you got a life too! ikaw naman" maybe i was so busy taking care of people who were also busy taking care of themselves. siguro naman hindi masama mapagod, or maglabas ng sama ng loob or masaktan? i think i do not owe anyone an apology for being honest with my feelings. 

i never thought i would come up with this kind of post. again, this is because i am never good at confrontations, i don't expect people to understand how i feel at the moment and nobody is here to listen to me. let me clarify things. i am not mad at anyone, just disappointed at how things had turned out. i am not blaming anyone but myself, because it was me who expected, and yes expectations hurt. i am just hurt. and i put no one responsible to it because no one was aware. because it was I who loved and cared so much and allowed people to hurt me as much. 

don't get me wrong, this is not me making parinig or what. or me being defensive now. this is simply me pouring my heart out because even if i am given the chance to tell this to anyone concerned, i would only cry and not be able tell the truth. bacause in return, i can't bear to see them affected of what i feel towards them. 

that's it. i think this has just gone to be a lesson for me. still a blessing at one point.