it's that time of the month again when i get too emotional and I overthink a lot. so here's the thought for tonight. I went over my timeline on twitter and saw one tweet of a friend narrating how her boyfriend surprised her on a random day at work.  I smiled at the thought at first then came in the question after, 'will i also exoerience that?' oopps! insi alert. gets? haha

i used to daydream a lot about my future relationship- sweet moments, surprises, celebration of the --saries and a lot more. haha funny as it may seem but for a hopeless romantic like me, things like those are still going to take time but i am confident enough that it'll happen.

sometimes i get too idealistic to the point that my thoughts are somewhat far from reality. in my opinion, it's basically a matter of perspective. as long as i can imagine it real, then it is. if i can see someone can do it, then it could happen. problem with people sometimes nowadays is that, they get too practical and tend to forget that effort counts a lot bigtime. that's one of the common causes of fights between couple. they exert effort effort but not enough. i mean, why not give your 100%, you're doing it anyway? but that's reserved for another post.

by the way, christmas is fast approaching and i cant wait to celebrate and start merry making. but, may we not forget that sharing is the real spirit of christmas. in times of crisis like what we have now, there's no need to wait for christmas for us extend our hands to the people in need. i hope that everyone gets aware on what they could do to help and start doing their part to reach out to the victims of calamity. let us remember that it will always better to give that to receive. :)  we're so blessed to be a blessing to others :) thank you! let's keep spreading the love!

heart blanket

there's this lyrics of one song that i'm currently listening at the moment that captured my attention fully. it goes like this:  "you put your arms around me and i'm home"

it just makes me feel so good and warm despite this cold Christmas breeze. it puts me in mood actually. there goes my little piece for this time. goodnight! ❤️❤️

sneak peek

it's been four long months since i started living alone, and become totally independent. talk about complete independence. don't get me wrong, i don't mean those 'carefree' or 'YOLO' or 'young, wild and free' kind of living, or how ever you may want to call it. what i actually mean is that I am living alone, yes literally, doing errands for my self and completely independent (except financially, of course) 

This experience of mine is somehow not new to me since I am used to living in a dorm or condo during my college years, for the last 4 straight years. I used to stay with my highschool barkada during those times, so that 'homesick' feeling was not that terrible. you know it's different when you have room mates and friends with you or some people to talk to when you feel down or stressed. they would somehow cheer you up.

Living far from my family is not new, however, living far from them ALONE is completely a different story. No more roommates and late night chikahan sesh. gosh. the thought was really impossible especially for a madaldal person like me. Surprisingly, I was able to survive and still surviving! oh, scratch that, i am actually enjoying it. yes. no doubt. don't get me wrong again on that note, what i actually want to say is that living alone has given me a lot of chances of growing emotionally and getting to know myself a lot better. And those moments make me enjoy this pretty little independent living even more.

Well those 4 months were a bit rough due to some major adjustments, but getting used to doing those was not that really hard. Talking about MAJOR adjustments this time. Many of my friends know how I hate paying bills on my own. But hey, mind you, it's already part of my monthly checklist! good thing that the office at the basement of my pad collects our monthly bills (electricity, water and even my telephone and internet bills) so there's less hassle for a busy person like me. :p Another checklist that I actually  have to accomplish is doing the groceries. This time, I do it twice a month. My friends know how much I enjoy pushing carts and selecting goodies at the supermarket. haha yes, doing those wifey stuff during weekends is one of my therapies in unwinding and releasing the stress of the week! :) 

On this part, I would basically share my routine lifestyle for the past 4 months :))

MONDAY	TUESDAY	WEDNESDAY	THURSDAY	FRIDAY
ANATOMY (8-12)	ANATOMY (8-12)	ANATOMY (8-10)		HISTOLOGY (8-12)
			BIOETHICS(10-12)
LUNCH	LUNCH	LUNCH	LUNCH	LUNCH
PHYSIOLOGY (1-5)	PHYSIOLOGY (1-5)	FCM (1-3)	BIOCHEMISTRY (1-5)	BIOCHEMISTRY (1-5)

As you can see, I have a full 5-day load of my subjects during the week. (So to my friend whom i had to turn down, now you see) I actually don't want to brag about it, but my course demands so much time and effort and is too clingy and possessive. yes. But that 5-day schedule does not really mean I have the remaining 2 days for myself. oh how i wish. My school hours doesn't even end at 5pm. seriously. if there's no take home worksheets, then there must be something wrong. hahaa 

So I usually wake up a bit earlier than the usual, (6 15 if my bed allows, but 6 30 most of the time due to bed issues) because I still have to cook for my breakfast and baon. you know, i don't wanna feel dizzy or light headed during my morning class, and it's Anatomy for Pete's sake. My usual breakfast is the same as my baon for lunch for a less time consuming preparation. Since my parents would visit me weekly, I would just have to re heat the food that they bring. easy way out, I know. haha so, yeah, i would just have to cook rice, re heat my dish and tadaaa! breakfast and lunch on! 

I usually eat before taking the shower. and i eat fast, say my food get cooked by 6 45, i will hit the shower before 6 55. well  i find it quick. :) and i don't wash my dishes. i throw them after use. joke! hahaha i wash them once I get back from school, together with my lunchbox :) by 7 40 in the morning, i am already preparing to leave my place to walk to school (yes, i live near the university) and arrive just a few minutes before my first class starts.

By the time I came back at aroung 5pm, i would wash my dishes right away. take a rest for an hour, go to shower and take a long nap. By the time I wake up, it is almost 10pm or so and i am recharged and kinda ready to do my homeworks and study for the next day's exams. Dinner? most of the time, I just grab any fruit available in the fridge or reheat any left over. again. Scavenger ang pegaloo. hahaha  Usually, i sleep at 2am then the wake up again at 6 15 or 6 30. the routine just go on.

During friday nights, when almost all my energy is drained, i would normally sleep earlier and longer. just the typical school girl trying to recharge her system. but waking up during Saturday is not that different from the rest of the days in the week. I would still have to do some scanning of notes, review then write notes. Same with Sundays. The only difference is that I can actually have breaks any time, review anywhere and just stop if I want. 

 there are also some changes in my schedule, like when I actually go home to province, there's definitely nothing accomplished. i would rather catch up with the fam and spend bonding moments with them rather than review. and i intentionally do not bring any review material. hahaha bad ass. lol i need some R & R also, and I obviously make the most out of it!

To tell you honestly, the 4 months that i've spent were so far kind to me. I enjoy being independent and being completely responsible for myself. One of the perks of living alone is that you get to do things freely, without having to consider anyone else. Also, you get to discover a lot about yourself, learn a lot on being practical and it allows you to live a lifestyle that is healthy and active. 

It will still be a long way to go, I know and I can't wait to try lots of new things  and discover more on what's out right there for me. I just believe that life will always be kind as long as you see things in the brighter side and in a more positive perspective. 

I guess this is it. I hope you had a great time reading this post. thank you very much!

remembrance

today is september 22 and i want to remeber this date :) i feel kilig because my crush just called me princess. wtf. i can't even! ugh.

when

when will i learn?

when will i stop?

kelan ba ako mapapagod at kelan ba ako matututo? kelan ba ako dapat tumigil? is there really a definite time or moment? when will i know the right time?

to be honest, these past few weeks had been very cruel not only to me, but to other people who are waiting, hoping and praying for something that we've been craving for. have you ever felt that? that moment when everything seems to be falling out of place and time seems to pass so damn slowly? like you're walking along what seems like an endless tunnel with no light of hope? and you're supposed to feel tired but you felt numb instead? you kept on walking until the end of the tunnel just to find out that there's basically nothing in the end.

you tell yourself that you went through this and you got over this and you can get over this AGAIN.

well now, it is different. i am torn between risking for the possibilities of a happy ending and believing the realities of a nightmare. which is which? how long should i hold on? how soon should i let go? was everything worth it?

you'll never understand this unless we're on the same boat. unless you're in my shoes. unless it is happening to you.

you'll never feel the way i do unless you have hoped for something, prayed for something and waited for something without any assurance of it coming. you'll never feel the way i do unless you loved selfishly and selflessly at the same time, and still do.

being in this journey has always been compared to a roller coaster ride. the unfathomable intensity of extreme emotions in one ride will either keep you enjoying the whole ride or slowly kill your enthusiasm. it will both send you chills of giddiness and bitterness.

at this point, i am confused. i feel nothing. i feel like i don't want to think anymore. i am not functioning well. i am so drained that even emotions are strange to me now. i don't know how to feel anything anymore. i am only surviving each day to let time pass. i am empty. i feel empty.

i feel nothing.

girl of the hour ❤

to one of the toughest woman i know, 

hiiii vivi gerl! happy birthday! i know that you're having quite a hard time now (medyo alammo yan nang very very light) but let me tell you how great your transition has been and how amazing you have become. 

remember the past 4 years when you were struggling to pass all your upcoming quizzes, practicals and major exams? when you were up until sunrise just to finish the report for your laboratory experiment? when you had to spend your breaks for reviews for the next period? the busy schedule plus the demanding friends, plus lovelife and break up all at the same time!  those things you did just to be where you are now? oh well, you're having them again, more and worse :) despite that, you accomplished everything successfully.  you are one hell of a great achiever vivi :) you were struggling to pass, but you have received more than passing remarks, and you freaking deserve it. :) 

have i told you how proud i am of you? ay oo. palagi yata. hihi and with matching teary eyes pa. lol. yeah, but those are just plain 'congrats baby girl' so, here. God knows how proud I am of you and how great my dreams for you are. just so for you to stop thinking that nobody appreciate all the hard works you do. lol. kidding. pero isa na yon sa mga rason. hahaha :D i believe in every thing that you can do and in all your potentials, kaya please naman, have faith on yourself. kung ganyan ako kaganda at kasipag at katalino at lahat na, i would definitely have no time to entertain insecurities or other negativities that occupy my head. how many times do i have to tell you that YOU are AMAZING woman that it is definitely other people's loss if they choose to give up on you? uso magising uy! hihi hashtag patawad ✌

i want you to realize how blessed you have become, not only for those material things and recognitions you acquired, but also for the "EXTRAORDINARY" experiences that you have gone through. diba? naiisip mona? there were lots of things na napag daanan mo, but they didn't kill you, they made you stronger. sabi nga sa kanta, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. lol maisingit lang. (btw, im watching conjuring at this moment) and i believe, you are strong. and you too, you have to believe that you are. para naman malampasan mo yan. hihi lammoyan 

remember how i keep on telling you to let things happen naturally? to allow yourself to feel everything at its own course of time? remember how i keep on arguing with you and your issues? how we (mabel and i) battled to fight that 'stubborn kid' inside you? hihi remember how you keep on pushing and fighting for your reasons but ending up retracting and losing the argument because you admit that you were not able to think for other's behalf? that is how strong your personality is. that is how experiences knock you. and we've all seen that.  

we were all witnesses of your hard works, pain and sacrifices. may it be for your academics, family, friends or ex. lol patawad. sink in na ba? hihi patawad ulit. :) you have gone through a alot and i want you to know that there are more in store for you. haha oo, alam ko, ako ang nagdidikta ng tadhana mo. kidding.  remember, you have US. you may lose SOME people along the way, but that would mean another free space for someone better to come along. believe that life has a lot more to give you that would help you become the person they never thought you would be. you yourself may not be able see how things would work, but i tell you, they'll be fine. keep on reminding yourself of your worth, so you don't settle for less than what you deserve.  you've been through this. alam mo yan. and this one is the same thing. this just came in a different approach, having different reason. but definitely needs the same adjustments. baka itanong mo na naman kung anong mali mo ha? or kung anong kulang mo? lol. wala. naattach ka lang. you hoped, you loved. and that babygirl, i tell you is never wrong. you don't stop yourself from loving and caring for people who were once part of your life. you don't turn that love into hate either. you keep on wishing them well and yourself better. hirap no? but that is how it really is.

for how many years have life been so challenging for your emotions? it keeps on knocking you on your core. on your weakest point. siguro nga it's about time that you accept na hindi ka mahal ng diyos. lol joke. it just means to say na kaya mo. :) and one reason siguro is that hindi ka pa din naniniwala na you are worthy of something better. there is something better.  have you read that once? that sometimes people can not let go because they don't believe that something good can happen twice. di man exact, pero parang ganyan din. haha i know how hard it is to let go of the things you're used to. to hope for that one thing for a long time, just to find out that it was an empty promise. sakit no? but that happens. people hurt people. intentionally or not. and the one's that are hurt suffer from the pain and heal by themselves alone. and you, my dear, is going through such right now. (yung totoo, paulit ulit ko tong binabanggit) patawad. you have to heal by yourself alone. kaya mo yan. believe that you can, and your half way there. that's a cliche but i know you know that's true. 

letting go, and moving on is no new to you. but, acceptance, letting go and moving on with a light heart is completely a different story. i know. you might be blinded by the tears and pain that you are suffering from right now, but remember, it is not always you alone. there are always 2 sides of a coin.  you know your story very well, but you have no idea how the other side has come up with his own. don't let pain get the best in you. don't let yourself see through the negative traits in people. there are still great memories to keep. it was a good experience after all. when hate starts to creep up on you, remind yourself that you can do better. and you are better than that. it's hard but once you start doing it, the next steps wouldn't hurt. 

allow yourself to fully embrace life and its gifts to you alone. to explore things and reach wider horizons. allow life to be cruel, for it would shape you into a better you. allow experiences of heartbreaks to knock you on your core for it would make you stronger and wiser. allow experiences

 to change you in a good way. people keep on coming and just leaving. let them. you have a life

 of your own, live it. people would hurt you, so bad that you may not forget, but forgive them anyway. not everyone can understand you, but that doesn't mean that there's no one. you always have me. us. 

cry when your heart can no longer hold its strings together. laugh at life's ridiculousness. love when love comes. feel every emotion freely and fully, without having to skip a step in recovery. free yourself from hurt and pain. allow time to heal you. believe me, allow it and it would :) 

i can't say anything more to you. i've known you for almost a decade and you never fail to humor me and inspire me at the same time. you are mature and immature in your own ways and i admire you for  that.  you can always have that intelligence and wit work at the same time. one thing that i would never get tired of admiring. :) always know that no matter what happens, may you fail or succeed, be in love and in pain, pass exams or not, or be feel unappreciated or overwhelmed, you'll always have that one fangirl sister ready to support you in any means, at all levels. ❤ that's how great our friendship is. 

so, let me thank you this time for all the things you have given me, may it be material things or time especially, for the advises and remarks, for the support and love and care and concern that sometimes really makes me want to believe how amazing life is despite the struggles that i have. thank you for being with me in all my ups and downs, may you know it or not. i may have not told you how grateful i am to have you in my life, knowing that you are a text away or a tweet away when i need you. hihi salamatsssss phowzzz :) 

i wish you all the best in life! and may your journey along the 20's road be fruitful and worthy for keeps. *wink* i wish for more people to inspire you to do better and bring out the best in you. i wish you all the time in the world to heal and make you realize your worth. i wish you to feel all the love that you deserve more than the love that you lost. and lastly, i wish you more wisdom to shape you to become a more mature (haha patawad) and well rounded person. hihi dont get me wrong, ill never

 get tired of dealing with you and your issues. hahaha im used to it! :) i appreciate those more, rather than you not telling me anything at all. :) so thank you for being open and for the trust. i hope you don't get tired of sharing. we'll never get tired of listening. that is an oath. :) hihi 

you have gone through a lot wisely. and i know that this time, you are even wiser. the sweetness of any chocolate may not be enough to ease the pain and the longing, but the sweetness of our friendship would do. it's a happy birthday after all :) 

i love you always :)  

enjoy your day! you're on your early 20's alreadyyy! cheers to a good life ahead vivi! 💋💋💋

my more than two cents :)

i've been writing lots about love lately. noticed that? hihi august seems to be my love month after all. #alammoyan so, here's another topic for you guys.

To tell you quite honestly, i am hesitant to post this because it WAS contradicting to my stories before. but since i learned a lot from those past experiences, here i am sharing with you guys the lessons and realizations that I got from them. ready?

Here's the mind-bugging question now: why do most people prefer being MU (mutual lovers) over being an official couple?

here are some reasons why:

1. Strict parents.

or, could be,gusto ng parents na magfocus muna sa studies. I guess this one's the safest yet the lamest reason that I used to hear. first of all, kung talagang nagmamatter sayo ang words ng parents mo, you won't get into any relationship that would entail intimacy. gets? edi sana lahat ng tao sa paligid mo, you treat them equally. no one's treated in a special way over the others. wala kang lovelife. definitely. pure friends lang lahat. hindi it's complicated ang status mo. wala kang katext every day and every night. (pero meron e) para kapag tinanong ka ngn parents mo ng 'anak, may boyfriend ka na ba?' sasagot ka naman ng 'wala pa'  diba ang hirap nyan? you choose to deny your feelings kasi bawal umamin? a no-no! eto lang ha, you can never be a good daughter/son and a good lover at the same time. there'll always be time when you'll have to choose on which side to put your loyalty to.

2. Focus sa studies

ayaw ng commitment and focus sa studies? WEH?? kaya ba okay lang na malate ang review time, wag lang malate ang reply sa kanya? (relate??) mas matagal magkausap kesa mag aral? ganyan? ganyan na ba ang focus ngayon? ang alam ko sa focus, you are directed straight ahead. no side glance, well, you can have that, but you do not actually entertain the thought or the feeling kasi nga you have your priority (not priorities.) put first things first. if that's love na talaga, you'll wait for you to be both ready. kung mahal ka nyan. hihintayin ka nyan. agree?

3. ayaw ng commitment.

di ko to gets why. some said, mas mahirap daw kapag official na. so ano to? testing the water forevs? you act as couple pero may compromise na bawal maging kayo? or you choose na wag maging kayo? bakitttt?? para walang gastos sa celebration ng monthsary and anniversary? ugh. lame yan uy! hahahha or, seriously, you ain't ready for the responsibility? big word? yes. RESPONSIBILITY. ayan. big word na talaga. why? don't you trust yourself enough to handle a relationship? really, what do you boys (yeah, not men) get in this? is this the lose less get more kind of a relationship where you exert less effort yet treated equally as an official boyfriend? #patawadsatinamaan hoy ha! grow some balls! you don't kiss the girl and tell everyone na nanliligaw ka pa lang! ano yan? easy access to wealth or advance claiming a prize? hihi #patawad there's a thin line between MU and courtship. learn how to separate those two.

if you're in this situation, you can't really say na di ka committed. why? commitment is not defined by the label of the relationship, but by the feelings you invest on your relationship. #word o ha, personal yan. agree?? no matter how you try to deny it, the fact that you get yourself attached to soomeone, you get yourself committed. yay or nay? why not make official na lang?  since yan na yung level nyo? wouldn't it be easier and less complicated if you get to claim something that's entitled to you already? see the analogy?

4. fear of heartbreak.

sadhgkjfhksdjhsdjhfk;sfjg; lang sa may ganitong rason.kung totoong di ka makakaexperience ng heartbreak sa MU, aba! mag MU-han na lang tayong lahat! hay. patawad na po ngayon pa lang sa mga susunod kong masasabi. HOY! kung ayaw mong masaktan, wag kang mag invest ng feelings! maglaro ka na lang! yan ang sinasabi ko sayo e. papasok ka sa MU tapos masasaktan ka? you are entitled to be hurt oy! kasama yan sa package. pero walang warranty and walang karapatan magselos at magreklamo. ayan kasi. ayaw pa ng official e.  lol nasa kontrata yan. kidding aside, you don't get into this kind of relationship with the guarantee of not having your heart broken. and to tell you honestly again, the pain or heartbreak that one experience from this is much worse than that coming from a break up. know why? coz it was clearly your choice to put yourself in that situation. you know you could've done better but you chose to save your pride instead. and then sing this song, 'what happened to us? we were almost there' (song: almost by Tamia)

5. committed na sa iba.

ooopsss. relate? tapusin na yan. sakit sa ulo lang yan. hahaha seriously, here's a word:  you can never love two persons at the same time at the same degree.

writer's note: my blog. my opinion. peace y'all :) by the way, malabo ba? oo nga no? parang pro's and con's of the MU relationship ang peg. hayaan mo na, ako din nalabuan e. :)