when

when will i learn?

when will i stop?

kelan ba ako mapapagod at kelan ba ako matututo? kelan ba ako dapat tumigil? is there really a definite time or moment? when will i know the right time?

to be honest, these past few weeks had been very cruel not only to me, but to other people who are waiting, hoping and praying for something that we've been craving for. have you ever felt that? that moment when everything seems to be falling out of place and time seems to pass so damn slowly? like you're walking along what seems like an endless tunnel with no light of hope? and you're supposed to feel tired but you felt numb instead? you kept on walking until the end of the tunnel just to find out that there's basically nothing in the end.

you tell yourself that you went through this and you got over this and you can get over this AGAIN.

well now, it is different. i am torn between risking for the possibilities of a happy ending and believing the realities of a nightmare. which is which? how long should i hold on? how soon should i let go? was everything worth it?

you'll never understand this unless we're on the same boat. unless you're in my shoes. unless it is happening to you.

you'll never feel the way i do unless you have hoped for something, prayed for something and waited for something without any assurance of it coming. you'll never feel the way i do unless you loved selfishly and selflessly at the same time, and still do.

being in this journey has always been compared to a roller coaster ride. the unfathomable intensity of extreme emotions in one ride will either keep you enjoying the whole ride or slowly kill your enthusiasm. it will both send you chills of giddiness and bitterness.

at this point, i am confused. i feel nothing. i feel like i don't want to think anymore. i am not functioning well. i am so drained that even emotions are strange to me now. i don't know how to feel anything anymore. i am only surviving each day to let time pass. i am empty. i feel empty.

i feel nothing.