so much feels.

ctto. 

haw dare me

just when i thought nobody recognizes my worth..there was my mom who called me asking if everything's okay. and i just broke down and cry. oh life. how could you be this unpredictable. 

self pity 101

madrama to. mabigat. i am warning you. negative thoughts althroughout. bitterness, anger and self pity. you may not be able to tolerate. 

i just woke up. and i suddenly realized, for the past times, i've always been readily available for everybodywho needed me. kahit nga di nila ako kailangan, i've made them feel that i am just here, just a call or text away. i would want to believe that i had been a good daughter or a friend by being like that. i would also want to believe the idea that i was sensitive enough. kahit di nila sabihin, i know they needed some sort of help...kaya ayan na naman ako...karipas sa kanila.  then there are times when it was me who would need help, or a listener, or a companion. and i would get all sorts of a 'NO' whether in a apologetic manner or even a harsh way. silly me. what made me think may gagawa para sakin ng ginagawa ko sa iba? again, maybe i was never good enough of a person to begin with. ngayon ko lang narealize na ang unfair na pala e. na i could've been happier before kung yung inexert kong efforts para sa iba, sa sarili ko na lang nagawa. eto pala yung feeling kapag sarili ko na lang muna ang iniisip ko. ang saya pala. kahit ako lang yung nag iisip para sa ikabubuti ko, okay lang... well atleast better than no one. ngayon ko lang kasi nafeel na parang kapag may free time ako, instead na humingi ng oras sa ibang tao, sakin na lang. medyo nakakatrauma yung 'no' e. atleast i know i would never ket myself down. am being selfish now? ang lunglot naman kung ganon. ang sama ko naman agad. okay lang. ngayon pa ba ko magwoworry, kung kelan i feel like i nolonger care. kung kelan parang wala na nga akong nararamdaman.

pero may isang side sa utak ko na nagsasabi na, wag mag give up. na wag magbago. na wag lumayo. pero kapag inisip ko, marerealize ko lang din na kahit gusto ko pa din na walang magbago, ubos na yung energy ko e. parang shut na yung system ko. gets mo yun? parang nakakabaliw na masyado. ang tanga ko kasi e. dapat narealize ko earlier na nauubusan na pala ako agad para nagawan ko na ng paraan, hindi yung biglaan na lang nagising akong wala na...ayun system crash agad. nobody was prepared for it. kahit ako nagulat. kasi kung iisipin, wala namang major rejection akong natanggap para magreact ako this much e. parang walang nagtrigger.. kung meron man, minor lang. and that's when o realized, antagal na palang drained ng system ko, ngayon ko lang nakita kasi i wasn't functioning well anymore. and i am starting to hate myself. that's when my love has started to turn into hate. 

kaya nga ngayon, ako muna. kahit wala nang iba, ako na lang muna. kahit ako lang. ang OA ko no? okay lang. because people whi matter wouldn't mind and would just understand where i am coming from, or atleast try to understand.  pero ang hirap. for almost 2 days, di ko pa nareregain yung energy, yung drive at yung motivation ko. ganun ba kalala yung nawala sa kin? :( this is so not me... 

andaming tumatakbo sa utak ko. na kaya ko, kakayanin ko. lahat self empowerment. na i have to show myself na kaya kong ako lang. na if they don't want me araound, okay lang kakayanin ko sigurong ako na lang. maybe they would realize na kahit papano, there's a difference na may chuerry at wala. in the same way na marerealize ko kung ano yung mga bagay na kaya ko pang magawa na ako lang. okay din siguro to. 

grabe ang gulo. this is too much self pity. too much heartache. ang sakit. sng lungkot lungkot gumising. san ba kasi ako nagkulang? bakit walang gumagawa sakin ng ginagawa ko sa iba? am i being impatient? masyado ba kong nag expect? masama ba yon? silly me. of course...

parang dalawang forces ang nagtatalo sa utak ko. nakakabaliw naman to. kainis. sana pwedeng bumalik na lang sa dati tapos walang nagbago. para di pako pagod. tapos okay na lahat. but reality is, nothing permanent. somewhere along the road, we changed. and nobody was aware until i just realized, i can't keep up anymore. matagal na nga yata siguro to e. things just turned out to be strange. i tried to keep up, tried some of their new interests, but i just can't. di ako consistent. maybe ako nga yung mali because i gave up trying to like what they like. to be like them. then just one day, there's just no more common among our interests. wala na mapag usapan. kanya kanya na lang. then irealized, ako na lang yung naiwan sa dati. lahat nagbago na. 

funny. everytime i'll try to look back, lakas makagago. siguro a part of me was asking for some people to run after me pero how silly could that idea be? yung ako nga ang hihingi ng oras, wala na e. what made me think na mauuna silang mamotivate to come to me. did i just completely lost my trust on people? wag naman sana. confusing lang how things worked on certain relationships before. and this is the price i have to pay now. funny how i just felt numb sa lahat ng rejections and hearbreaks brought by the people i grew to love most. and funnier that no matter how broken i am, i still continue to love everyone even with the broken pieces. grabe. who would have thought ganito na kalala at kalalim yung pag iisip ko. i don't even know na this is how cluttered my thoughts are. na how negative my thoughts about myself are. puro positive lang kasi yung nalalabas ko on people. so negative na yung natira sakin. 

ang duwag ko kasi e. ayokong harapin ang problema ko. ayokong makipag usap. parang wala nga yata akong hiningan ng major tulong e. natatakot kasi ako. baka wala naman tumulong sakin. kung gano ako kaready tumulong sa problema ng iba, sarili kong problema di ko magawan ng paraan. kainis. akala ko kasi kaya ko pa e. totoo palang nakakapagod. maybe i am the type of person na nakakapagod na din kasama. kaya siguro inunahan ko na ang lahat. i shut people out before they do it to me. nega ko. grabe. grabe din. before, i wouldn't let anyone know my problems kasi ayokong makaabala. ayokong makacause ng hassle. labo. tapos ngayon ako lumayo. tanga nga e no? hayaan na nga. labo. ang gaga ko. lakas mkapucha. 

bigat no?if you reached this point and if you feel down or mad at someone now, you have been warned.  

day 1- hang over.

realizations. they're all coming. ano bang nangyari talaga. i grew tired. from what? from fitting in. from keeping up. from expecting a lot. maybe i wansn't aware of the changes that happened. maybe i thought everything would be fine. surely they would be, but that doesn't mean everything will stay the same. 

today i woke up with a heavy heart. i thought sleep can take the pain away, but it didn't even last for 5 hours. i tried to think of my decision, to decipher things out, to draw out better conclusions or more rational reasons, but it just lead me to more negative ones. those i never thought were real, actually are. and it just caused me to feel worse. i can't think of anything. i can't set my mood. i feel nothing. i am totally lost. 

is this because of some hormonal stimulation? no, definitely. is it because i was over analyzing things? yes.probably. am i sticking to my decision? i don't know. because i don't even know where

and how to start. all i know is i have to do this or else i won't grow. i want to become better. i want to know my worth. i need to know what i deserve. because i can no longer bear the pain of rejection from people. i need to learn how to say no. i need to learn how to control my emotions. i need to learn how to be strong for myself and not for everyone else. because at the end of each day, i am alone in my journey, all i have is myself. i need to do things for myself. i need to make myself happy...because if i'll wait for people to do it for me, i'm afraid i'll never stop waiting, i'm afraid i would die waiting. and i can't bear to think the idea of how bad it would feel.  

maybe that is why i am starting to trust no one. to hold onto no one's promises or to believe on people. maybe i just grew tired of being the vulnerable one. and that was the problem all along. i was the one who got easily attached. i trusted people so easy that they won't leave me. but i guess just like in any other tales, people come and go. this time it was me who decided to go. 

was i selfish? go. you judge. do i have reasons? of course. are these reasons acceptable? well, when a person gets tired of just everything, i mean, when everything is just so routinary and no one else take responsibility to make a difference, yes it is tiring. and when a person is tired, yes it is acceptable to take a rest. will it take long? no one can say. am i closing doors? no definitely. am i leaving the past behind? no because good memories are just what's left of me now. am i mad at certain people? no one but myself. will i come back? yes. when? when i learn how to love myself the way i loved everyone else. 

last

best feeling ever! not. sarcasm it is. before anything else, let me remind you, this is my blog, my diary, my words and my thoughts. i did not ask you to read, so anything posted here are based on my opinions and experiences. kay? clear? 

i decided to post here because, first of all, i am never good at confrontations, secondly, i don't think people would understand whatever it is that I have to say, and finally, no one is available to listen (as usual) and i feel like i have to let this out. there. 

in every relationship, intimate or friendship, it is normal that you have expectations. problem is sometimes, those expectations are not met. why? are they too high? or simply because nobody exerts effort to make it better. i think it's normal. you give your part, and so you expect something in return. it's a relationship anyway, a two-way thing. 

this. it happened many times. we plan, i wait, i followed up, you're busy, you cancelled, you apologized, i accepted, we rescheduled, i'm busy, i made time, we met. see the difference? 

living alone is hard. being separated from you is hard. growing alone is hard. but i am not blaming anyone. i am not blaming anyone for being honest neither am i blaming anyone for hurting me unintentionally. in the same way that no one can blame me if i am hurt this much, or if i am over reacting this time. 

being alone in a strange city is hard, knowing that the people you left behind are gonna pursue their own journeys together. that's why i keep coming back. because i was expecting for warm welcomes, but whenever I try to push my luck, it was always the wrong timing. i was never part of the priority. well at least that's how I felt. that is the problem with distance. it's either the people you left would miss you, or forget you. sad part is, most of them do the latter. 

i totally understand the need to prioritize things, hello, i am well aware of that. i am a student who prioritize also.  i tried to understand, and i am still trying.but understanding does not mean sparing my feelings from getting hurt.  kaya nga siguro ako nasasaktan na eh, because even if di ko na maintindihan, i still try to understand. but it is tiring, honestly. being that one person who is always the first to reach out the is tiring. being that one person who always initiates to make time is tiring. and in just any other relationships, when one party is tired,  the relationship just have to give it a rest. 

baka kailangan ko din magbawas ng priorities? ganun ba? maybe i better be alone and totally be independent of anyone else? and just wait for that time when people would miss me that much that they would finally exert effort to reach out? para maiba naman? kasi parang it is so easy for people to take me for granted or to find a replacement for me. maybe it's about time to put myself on my priorities also. 

time. they say it's the most precious gift one can give and receive. kaya nga i feel so glad and proud every time i am able to spend time with people whom i don't get to see often.  kasi kahit madaming ginagawa or inaaral, i make time for them. kahit wala na, i still make time. kaya nga i don't understand people when they say they miss you and want to see you when thay can't even make time for you. bakit? ako din naman 24 hours lang ang meron sa isang araw, may mga overtime pa, may mga extra loads of tasks din, but i did not reject anyone. sa dami din ng ginagawa ko, kahit alam kong wala nang extra time for leisure, i make time for people i love, even if it means a lesser time for myself, for sleep or kahit anong para sa sarili ko, okay lang. they matter eh. kahit sobrang arte ko sa madaming bagay, i didn't mind waking up early to get my things done so i could see them in the afternoon and spend few hours with them until night time , not minding the risk of taking the cab alone when i go home. because i was the one who asked for it. i was the one who demanded for it. because i can't squeeze into their busy schedules. all i wanted was to catch up and update, but it seemed like utang na loob ko pa everytime they'll say yes and allow me to visit them. this is not me taking them against anyone, but i am just evaluating how much i did and how far i've gone to keep up with them. wala naman masama doon diba?  

issues are, palagi na lang ba kong mauuna? nakakapagod e. ganun ba kadali ako itake forgranted because they know that i would understand? ganun bako kadali isacrifice? well yes? maybe i was never good enough of a person to begin with. and this post opened door for self pity. 

what went wrong? 

am i too clingy? then i'll loosen up. 

am i too demanding? then sorry, from now on, i won't ask for anything. 

nakakasakal na ba? then sorry, i would take a step back. 

maybe this is also what i need. a slap in the face saying, "hey, you got a life too! ikaw naman" maybe i was so busy taking care of people who were also busy taking care of themselves. siguro naman hindi masama mapagod, or maglabas ng sama ng loob or masaktan? i think i do not owe anyone an apology for being honest with my feelings. 

i never thought i would come up with this kind of post. again, this is because i am never good at confrontations, i don't expect people to understand how i feel at the moment and nobody is here to listen to me. let me clarify things. i am not mad at anyone, just disappointed at how things had turned out. i am not blaming anyone but myself, because it was me who expected, and yes expectations hurt. i am just hurt. and i put no one responsible to it because no one was aware. because it was I who loved and cared so much and allowed people to hurt me as much. 

don't get me wrong, this is not me making parinig or what. or me being defensive now. this is simply me pouring my heart out because even if i am given the chance to tell this to anyone concerned, i would only cry and not be able tell the truth. bacause in return, i can't bear to see them affected of what i feel towards them. 

that's it. i think this has just gone to be a lesson for me. still a blessing at one point.