6.18.2019

the most selfish letter

Hi mama, it’s almost 11pm and I cant sleep because a lot has been running through my mind lately. Mga 1 month na siguro? This is not supposed to be new to you. Hehe since ive been very vocal about my yamot moments that actually turned into serious anger and envy. It would never be right and fair to be this selfish but let me be such, todo and legit, ngayon at ngayon na lang promise. Hehe

You are my favorite person. Favorite as in favorite. You are the first person id like to tell about everything. As in lahat. The first person id consider sa lahat ng gagawin ko or plano kong gawin. I’d always choose you. Over anyone, under any circumtances You are my number one. I could even say id readily take a bullet for you. I feel like maybe in the past life we were real sisters. I feel like we have a connection. I love you so dearly and I pray everytime that He grants you everything you need before you even ask for them.

But I got so tired of feeling unappreciated, devalued and taken forgranted. I keep fighting the battle of thinking I’m special or I have a place in your life, and I feel like I keep losing every day. I m tired of competing against every one to be close or keep close to you. It drains me thinking I’m nothing but a junior to you. I keep on praying n asana bukas wala na akong pakialam. Sayo at sa lahat. Na sana wala na kong nararamdaman. Na kung masaya ka naman with other people edi dun ka na lang. I m so tired feeling everything and crying everything out. Im so tired of being taken for granted. I m so tired of being unappreciated or not enough.

I cant share this to everyone because I ashamed of how I feel. And what made me feel this way. There are days when I would message you but youre too tired to even join the conversation. Pero dati hindi.  I feel like somehow I cant do you any good. I feel like im no longer the anak that I used to be in your life. Ngayon  I feel like a responsibility to you. Parang ang hirap kong i-own. I feel like I’m a burden when I used to be a blessing. Ang bilis lang nagbago ng role ko sa buhay mo because someone better came along. Don’t I have anything left to offer kaya ganon? Am I not enough? Are they better? Im so tired of waiting til youre free. Im so tired of competing and giving everything I have and still feel guilty of demanding for time from you. Ambigat kasi. Parang wala kang pakialam. Ang hirap kasi feel ko Im nothing to you. Kunsabagay, what is 4-5 months of friendship? Or is this even friendship to begin with? Baka sakin lang special to e.

Pero ikaw pa din ang favorite ko. Hehe is this a blessing or a curse? Syempre curse. Joke hehe di ko alam paano tatapusin e pero sana there comes a time when we’d grow closer  and have a better and deeper friendship. Yung same level tayo. Same boat. Ngayon kasi parang di tayo same boat, or worse, di pa yata same waters. E nakakapagod ka habulin. Or baka ayaw mo pahabol? Pag naabutan kita either you’ll change direction or hold other people’s hand. Nakakainggit. And nakakalungkot. Paulit ulit. Nakakaubos.


Sana bukas with the virtue of miracle, biglang Im special to you. Sana may pakialam ka na, sana you would show me you care. And show them im your only anak. Sana you would assure me. Sana you would make me feel like ako din favorite mo. And sana together with my other sana’s I can still be the same.

thank you Mama, my favourite person ever. hehe

No comments:

Post a Comment